This is a blog which I hope will respond to my past self from my last blog entry before Christmas. My 2016 self who completed her MA and then felt a rising panic, found out she was a hyper-sensitive person and realized the overwhelming size of the universe and all its colours and possibilities were too much; all the human, animal, plant, bird and fish misery (to say nothing of all other life forms) was beyond her ability to help even though she could feel all their pain. “What am I doing? What’s the point?” My last year self asked over and over again. As I said in my last post, or as my last year self said: I need to believe in what I do; but I didn’t and maybe I still don’t. So what am I supposed to do…? Suspend my disbelief?
A couple of true things are all I need to hang on to in this vast sea of wtf? What is true? I’m a person; I don’t know what I’m doing; I’m ok with that; it’s cold; my hands are cold right now. People on facebook are all beautiful and successful and everyone loves them. No, wait, that’s not true. Past me talked about the artists she admires; are they my north? Their energy? Their clear sweet voices?
I thought about my journey; my birth; my childhood; my adolescence; my twenties; my children; the new me; the old me; the strange me-ness of myself.
It all seems overpowering and insurmountable, the ME. The WHY? I circle my feet and my ankles go click, click, click. The washing machine whirs. I think about the studio, and the treasured time there. The alternate universe where I stop thinking about the ME and the WHY? I just dance and sing and make a mess. So, therefore, moreover, furthermore thinking and analyzing the bollocky, wanking, boring shittiness of the what am I supposed to be doing? and the who am I supposed to impress or explain myself to? IS NOT REALLY SOMETHING I SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT because it’s bollocks and I think I got this panic from when I was doing my MA. So, I’m a person, I make a mess and dance and sing. This is true. Everything else is a pile of wank. I retract all future apologies for this blog.