After completing my interview for Aubrey Levinthal and it appearing on her blog several things occurred. I started to get stomach pains at night and I was in quite a bad mood. I felt very pleased with the interview but it brought some things to the surface that I’ve been trying to resolve over the past couple of weeks. I have problems accepting praise or friendship or indeed love; I find it hard to believe people would love me because I don’t truly love myself. This has been building for many years and now I’m in the process of deconstructing this negative belief system. So, as a painter one of my ways of combating this is by painting, but when I don’t paint enough I get a gradual build up of rage that explodes out of me at unexpected moments. These explosions only compound my belief that I’m fundamentally a bad person and so the cycle continues. A lot of creatives have this negative inner voice or monster on their shoulder holding them back. Doing the interview was a way of saying I now accept myself, I’m worthy of doing this interview and of showing people who I am and what I do.
So the rage started building inside me because I wasn’t making painting a priority and I was scared about revealing myself and work to people. I went to have some acupuncture and the guy helped me to work this out; he told me to paint as much as possible and paint my way through the rage. So I think this month’s paintings show that emotional journey quite well.
Another thing I did was to give up my visual studies course, as I’m starting an MFA in September and it was taking a lot of time to do the projects, time which wanted to dedicate to painting. So I’m taking away layers of responsibility and stress and trying get back to what my inner Judy demands PAINT! PAINT! PAINT!